Is this the wall that I somehow keep hitting?

It’s been officially (or almost) one month since I’ve started learning how to code. Coming into UCB Extension Bootcamp without a lick of coding knowledge is probably my own damn fault. “I should’ve known, why didn’t I study first before forking out the $XXk!?!” I don't know, okay? I thought I could just ~whee~ pick it up. Truth is, I ended up feeling so behind; even if I put on that “40+ hours of studying time”.

But today, this wall that I keep hitting, it hits me.

As I was studying and practicing some lines of codes, I finally understood why “I know the concept” but “I don't know how to do it”. It’s not me, it’s you. I’m not breaking up with coding, but it’s time to talk.

Here is one example of what I was “studying”:

a little friendly convo between a friend and me.

it’s not me, it's ... maybe it’s both of us.

The words that look like gibberish to me, that doesn’t look like it has any meaning, or values, they’re my walls.

I don’t understand it. I’m not familiar with it. I don’t even know the meaning of it. I don’t see it enough. I don’t know what’s it’s asking me to do. I just don’t know it.

It’s like you’re trying to rap to Gangsta Paradise and memorizing the song, without truly knowing and understanding the real meaning behind the lyrics.

I can’t be who I am today as a creative director if I didn’t master my Pen-tool skills, my tetradic color theories, or typography since I was in college.

The anger within myself, the tears that I’ve shed from being frustrated. Today, a little sliver of silver lining. I am now smiling a little bit during these shitty moments when I bang my head on the walls. I’m trying to make some songs with the only 2-chords that I know.

5’1 little ball of surprise